Waiting for my Meds to Kick In
I didn’t want to write this song at first. It’s pretty dark…and personal. The title is the mantra I said to myself repeatedly all day, every day, for about a week…until I felt the warm fuzzy hug of the medication I’d been prescribed. By mid July I’d fallen into a pretty dark place. Because of the pandemic I’d lost my job and my music…an expensive hobby but my main source of therapy. I’ve often said what little mental health I can claim comes from being able to play & perform.
I’m still grieving the loss of my eldest daughter, a grief which pulls every negative thought and feeling towards it…and approaching the anniversary of my Father’s death. Everything was piling up and every day seemed a little darker, a little gloomier than the day before. I was constantly on the verge of tears.
Twenty-five-odd years ago I’d been diagnosed with depression…largely brought on by the miserable last years of a failed marriage and drinking too much. Almost twenty years ago I quit drinking, and around fifteen years ago I got off the anti-depressants. So I knew there was help out there and I finally went to see my Doctor about getting back on my meds. And they helped…a lot.
I had no intention of making a song out of it…until I had a nice long chat with a good friend I hadn’t seen in months…again, because of the pandemic. She described what she’d gone through…different, but the same as what I’d gone through. She’s also one of my favorite song-writers, so I had to write it….for her…and for everyone who’s life has been disrupted and are struggling to cope….but mostly for her.
Some you won’t get it….you’ll probably think it dark and over-dramatic. It wasn’t written for you. Some of you will know exactly how it feels. It was written for you…for us. It’s ok to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak…it makes you brave. I think too many people suffer in silence, afraid of the stigma…embarrassed and ashamed. By writing about it, I hope to normalize the talk around mental health issues.
We’ve all seen the headlines about how people with depression and anxiety issues have been affected by the pandemic. For me, that was underscored as I tried to re-fill my ‘scrip and was told they’d run out! I ended up with twice as many half-dose pills. I’m just grateful I live in a country with universal health care and that there was help available to me when I needed it.
So, I implore you….if you relate to the imagery in this song and haven’t done anything about it, please reach out. Talk about it. Especially as Xmas approaches. The holiday season is heavy with emotion and nostalgia for many of us, whether you’re alone and lonely or surrounded by people who expect you to be cheerful….whether this pandemic has upset your routine or even if you think you’ve got no good reason to be upset. Please take care of yourselves.
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